Obama Bans Homework in Public Schools

Washington D.C. — In a ruling that shocked educators this morning, United States President Barack Obama released a statement mandating the dismissal of all after school assignments, in essence eliminating homework from the U.S. public education system.

President Obama stated on Wednesday, “our students have enough pressures in their lives, with many working jobs and maintaining a strong, heavily-filtered presence on social media. This mandate will allow students the freedom to pursue their personal dreams of achieving upwards of one thousand followers on Instagram or crafting a viral tweet, an achievement that a traditional education could never grant them.”

Students have already taken this announcement as an opportunity to re-introduce the hashtag #ThanksObama.

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Teachers have also praised Obama for his attention to their own interests. Jeb Smith, a social studies teacher in Pawnee, Indiana, called in for comment on a local radio program, stating, “this is the best thing Obama has done to improve American lives. I now have time to actually read to my ferret Hamlet.”

However, not all citizens have positive words for this bold political move. “This was a rash o’bummer move that throws us decades behind in terms of our rate of education. Students might as well stay in school until they’ve racked up at least one million dollars in debt to ensure proper education,” stated an outraged, unnamed source in New Jersey.

An intern for eNotes.com, Inc, a world-renowned homework help website, responded to the mandate on Facebook, saying, “I honestly don’t know what to think. This means my job helping students all over the world complete their homework is obsolete.”

There’s no way to be certain what this law will mean in the long run, except that eNotes.com might have to shut its doors to become a Cat Cafe/Hipster Speakeasy. Which, actually, would be pretty rad.

For more information, read the full report by the Student Allegiance of Homework Doers here.